uhhhhhm

This is definitely the worst I've ever done in school. I haven't done anything for three weeks now. I can barely get out of bed besides going to work or seeing my boyfriend. But even at his house I just... lay there and do nothing. I haven't even been working on my own projects that I've been doing so well on, this is my first time even looking at my laptop in days.

But what's weird is that even though it's the worst I've probably ever felt, I haven't even reached that point where I'm breaking down and crying nonstop like I usually do. I feel absolutely no urgency or motivation. Just nothing. Until I randomly panic for a few minutes and silently freak out for a while and then just push it away and go back to just avoiding everything and feeling incredibly numb to the growing pressure.

Regardless, I have to attend my zoom meeting tomorrow because I definitely can't skip again. If my professor says anything to me I don't know how I'll handle it because I really don't want to be forced to acknowledge reality on the spot like that.

I don't know how I'll pass my classes but I haven't been able to make myself care. I'm very seriously considering taking a break from school next semester, but I don't know if that will fuck things up with my university or not. I also don't know if I'll be on academic probation or not, and if I am, whether or not I will be allowed to take academic leave.

I'm thankful for work and I'm thankful for the music I've been into and I'm thankful for my boyfriend, because they've been helping me stay sane.

And I guess I'll end this entry by saying that I don't even really understand this site yet but it's intriguing and it feels good to write this stuff out. If my first post is starting at my low then it can only get better from here, right?

"the honey-light of the finished day"

I've been re-listening to Welcome to Night Vale, I started listening a few days ago out of curiosity because I remember liking it back in 2013 and I couldn't remember much about it. Anyway, there was this one phrase that stood out to me yesterday.
"the honey-light of the finished day".
I wish I could write like that.
Part of me feels discouraged when I come across such good writing because I feel like I could never come up with anything like that, but a more optimistic part of me realizes I just need practice.